


Why the Flames so Hot

by pepper53



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 118, 9-1-1 - Freeform, Drama, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, hurt!buck, my plots, sad!buck, selfharm, some are from the show but most of them are mine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:21:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24719704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepper53/pseuds/pepper53
Summary: Even "buck" Buckley is a fire fighter at the 118. his life is great for the most part. he has a firefighting family and a best friend with an adorable son. what happens if his life come crashing down within a mater of two years. his girlfriend leaves him, he loses his first life instead of saving it. he is crushed by a ladder truck. literally. gets a blood clot in his leg and in his lung that keeps him from being recertified. then he's at the pier when a devastating tsunami hits. he loses his best friends son. even though he was found and safe he keeps having nightmares about what could have happen. he files a law suite to try to fix things but makes it worse losses his best friend. and then his sister dies. he starts blaming his self and then when he dose come back to work what happens when everyone at work finds out a secrets that he's been hiding ever since the first accident. everything gets better but dose buck see it that way. will Eddie help him recover. and what will Eddie do when buck try's to take it to far.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Kudos: 11





	1. Tired

***Buck's P.O.V***  
I woke up and sighed. It was time for me to go to work. I love going to work but today i was just tired. I stayed up late last night thinking about the MMA fight that i got into a couple of years ago. I know that it was a wile ago but it feels like it was just yesterday that i had started street fighting. I know that i told Eddie not to street fight but i just couldn't stop. It's like a drug very easy to start but hard to stop.  
I get out of bed and grab my work uniform. I check my phone to see how much time I have left until my shift starts. I finaly dicide that I have a lot of time to get my shower and put on my uniform. I grab an apple out of the kitchen and grab the keys to my jeep.  
When I get to the firehouse Bobby is making breakfast. I wasn't even all the way in the door and I could smell the pancakes and the bacon from the loft above. I see Eddie and Chimney working out. Hen is talking with Athena over by one of the ladder truck. I think that I'm in the clear to go to the locker room before anyone noticed that I was there. When Eddie sees me he waves and I fake smile and wave back. I just don't feel like talking to people today but I think that maybe its just me being tired.  
I just got finished getting changed when the fire bell went off and the frailer voice of the operator came on. "all units fully involved backing structure fire in progress." no time to think just twenty five seconds to get into you turnout gear and get to the ladder truck buck. I tell myself as I get to the truck. today was going to be a busy day and I liked the thought of that.  
***Eddie's P.O.V***  
When Buck walked into the 118 today he seemed tiered and different. It might just be me but I think that he might need someone to ask what's wrong. That's when we got the call to respond to a structure fire.  
I grabbed my hat after I got out into my turnout gear. we hoped into the truck and as soon as it had started it was over and we were back at the station. I think that Buck was just tired because he never stopped smiling and joking the rest of his shift and I was so glad that my best friend was ok. or at least I hope that nothings going on with my best friend.


	2. high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the team have a fun time picking on buck

***Buck***  
the next day at work I wasn't as tierd I just told myself that the street fighting wasn't the best move and its over now. I looked in the mirror and approved of how put together I looked today. I felt a lot happier today to.  
when I got to work I walked strait up the stairs and into the loft. I saw Chimney drinking his coffee. Bobby was at the stove making breakfast and Eddie was going through his phone on the chairs in the corner. but the first one I ran into was Hen so I thought that I should have a little fun.  
"It is a beautiful day Henrietta!" I said bright eyed and bushy tailed. just to through it over the edge a add a quick "My love!" I cant hold back my smiles.  
"Call me Henrietta again." she warns me, though it kind of sounds like a threat. "Your going over the balcony." she adds. yep I was right definitely a threat.   
"ok then" I say as I looked over at her and smiled she looked at me and giggled a little. then I see bobby so I walked up to the island by the kitchen and started talking.  
"Bobby! oh captain my handsome captain!" I say a little flertaitiously just to through it over the edge. witch gets me a light moan to escape eddies lips. he hate when I flurt with people and I don't know why but I think that its cute because I like him. like, I mean i like like him.  
bobby just furrowed his eyebrows and answers me back with a question. "What are you? high?" witch can only make me smile.  
"no i'm not high!" I said  
"you sure about that" Eddie said as he wrapped and arm around my shoulder. witch made me blush a little.  
"even if I was Diaz I can't say anything with my dad standing there" I said as I pointed to bobby which made him laugh.  
bobby has been like a father to me ever since I came to the 118. his job is to keep me safe and mine is to gradually irritate him by doing stupid things.  
"ok then...buck were gonna have to have a talk about that" he said to pick and joke with me as the bell went off.  
"ok y'all know what to do" bobby said, as I smiled and bolted down the stairs. today was going to be a good day. I through on my gear and we left.


	3. The Only Girl in the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> buck gets a phone call that tears him apart

***Buck***  
we where in the truck on the way to our call when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I took it out and looked at the name. 'ABBY'. I wonder why she was calling my though. we've been dating for almost three years. I was taking her out to dinner for a date tonight. I was gonna propose. I was happy that we got together but im even more happy that we're finally gonna tie the not.  
I picked up my phone and greeted her in a peppy voice with a smile creeping onto my face.  
(Buck=B Abby=A any other dialoged will be regular)  
B-hey baby  
A-hello buck  
B-is everything ok u usually don't call me during work  
A-buck look I....  
"Buckley well be there in ten be ready" cap yelled buck to me. my smiled faded after what I heard next.  
A-im leavening you  
B- w-w-what why  
A- because I just need time to myself and I need to find myself you wont stop being so annoying and im tired of it im leaving and going to Italy for a few years we're done  
B- I can change Abby I love you.  
A- im sorry buck  
B-it ok I only want what's best for you I hope that you are happy  
A- I am and I hope that u stay safe with work and all I love you bye Buck and thank you  
B-bye abby stay safe  
an with that I hung up the phone at this point I had tears in my eyes I had to stuck it up and be strong for my team.  
"you ok man" I heard eddie say.  
"yeah man im fine" I said in a lying tone.  
I saw him write something done on a piece of paper he handed it to me. when I unfolded it i saw that there was a little note along with a phone number.  
hey dude I know that your lying to me your hurt I can tell. I heard the hole conversation and im so sorry about Abby. i know how it feels to lode someone that you loved or love. i was torn apart when Shannon left man i can help trust me. here's my number if you ever need to talk. here's my number -eddie (586)-754-5867  
(by the way not a real number plz don't try to call it!!!)  
I put his number in my phone and looked up and mouthed the words thank you. and than we pulled up to the call. i got out of the ladder truck and then told myself to hold it together be for walking up to cap to see wheat i needed to do. and then i realized whos house the call was at.  
***eddie***   
buck looked kind of sad when we were in the truck on the way to the call so I wrote him a note. put my number and gave it to him. I hope he's ok


	4. Suspicious minds and familiar fires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> buck has a bad time at a call

***BUCK***  
when we pulled up on the call I felt a lump in my through. why? why was it this house that I had to go to. this is bad. dose Maddie know? should I sit this one out? dose cap know? the one thing that I do know is that I cant tell cap. all these thoughts ran through my head as I jumped out of the truck. then I remembered that I still had to get my assignment from Bobby. I got over to where I saw Bobby, Athena and all the others standing. Bobby knew. I could tell.  
"ok guys we got a fully involved and a three car pile up on the back side. there's also a motorcycle involved" Bobby said his eyes not losing contact with mine for not even a second.  
"Buck" he said in a stern but soft voice. "you should sit this one out" he finished.  
"no. im gonna do this. I have to." I told him. everyone had a confused look on there face. 'just tell them later buck its not important now.' I told myself.  
he gave everyone a swift look before he turned back to me. I nodded to assure him that I was ready to do this. I had to do this even if I didn't like it I had to. its my job.  
"ok listen up! Hen, Chimney be ready on medical were gonna need all the help that we can get. Emily and I will take the car pile up. Eddie, Buck you guys get the building. i'll have a full line crew ready to start drenching it but right now I need you to get suited and get in there."  
"yes sir cap" I heard Emily say.   
cap told us that she was gonna be getting transferred to the 126 next week because shes moving. its sad to see her go because we've been friends since we were little. we first started hanging out when her brother started dating my older sister. we got to hang out almost everyday. it was nice until her family moved. but when they came back it was the happiest thing to ever happen to me because I got to have my best friend back.  
me and Eddie rushed over to the truck to get our SCBAs on (BTW AND SCBA IS AN AIR PACK) and got ready for the green light. as soon as we were both ready we went in. I took a deep breath when I saw what had happened to the inside as memories flooded my mind. so good and some not so good but this house was a safe place for me and my older sister Maddie. and now its gone. the flames were intense and they devoured the hole thing and the smoke was thick and dense. I was sad to see this place like this. my thoughts were interrupted when I heard what cap had to say next.  
"Eddie, Buck I need you two to listen to me. there is a gas main break that's why the fire went up so fast I need you to look hard and move fast." Bobby said over the walkie talkie.  
I picked up my radio and shot him a quick ten four before Eddie spoke up.  
"we need to hurry this thing could flash over at any moment and by the look of things we only have about ten more minutes." Eddie said.  
"lets look up stairs" I suggested right as we heard cap on the radio again.  
***EDDIE***  
"Buck, Eddie there's a man out here by the name of Mr. Jenkins he says that he has a German Shepard and his granddaughter are both still in there. the Dog is a retired search and rescue dog that goes by the name of duke and the granddaughter's name is Isabelle but she goes by Bella she's twelve years of age and was last seen in her mom and dads room."  
"Will do cap." I said back into the radio.  
with one look at me buck was up the stairs. I fallowed him into what looked like a bed room. how did he know where to go so fast? how did he know that this was the room that they where talking about. just then we here barking and we knew what to do.  
"LAFD call out!" buck yelled   
"over here!" we heard a voice yell. we ran over to what we heard and there on the ground was a little girl with her leg pined and a dog. I sat on the floor beside her and examined her leg.  
"her legs pined and there's severe bruising to the ankle im thinking its a double break we need to get her out of here." I said   
buck was already on it. he walked over to the closet felt the door opened it and pulled out a crow bar. he through it to me and I used it to pry the heavy dresser off of the little girls leg. buck pulled her out and I garbed the dog. we rushed down the stairs and out the door buck was in front of me the hole time. we rushed over to medical when I heard cap yell.  
"its gonna flash over everyone get down and cover!!" I got down on the gourd and covered the dog with my body and buck did the same with the little girl. then boom! it flashed. fire went sky high then it was time for the call out and everyone was safe. thank god! we went over to medical and they got the girl and the dog safely to the hospital.   
the fire was put out and it was time to clean up and to go to the station. I saw that buck looked a little on edge as we walk back to the truck. I wanted to ask him what's wrong but I wanted him to be sitting down just in case he had a breakdown like last time. I was gonna ask him in the truck what's wrong I had to.  
"hey buck what's wrong man you don't look right." I asked him  
***BUCK***  
"hey Buck what's wrong man you don't loom right." Eddie asked me. I could see the question bolting off of his body and the concern poring out of every word. but I couldn't tell him what was up. not even if I wanted to. I needed to by some more time.  
We were the only ones in the truck. Bobby and Emily where talking with the fire marshal and chimney and hen took the ambulance as always. so that meant that I had to sit there with my best friend and my crush and tell him something that only Maddie knows. Great. this is not how I wanted the end of my shift to go.  
"oh nothing im just tired I guess." I told him. but Eddie was good at reading lies. he was to good at it. he knew me to well.  
"lies. now tell me what's really going on with you." he said in a firm voice that I knew all to well.  
"I'll tell you at the station and I'll answer all of your questions there." I told him. i'll tell everyone. not even Bobby knows as much about this as he thinks he does.  
"ok" Eddie said back giving me a small smile. I tried to smile back but I knew that he could see through it. I propped my elbow up onto the truck door so I could rest my head on my fist and look out the window. just then Bobby and Emily climbed in. and the driver starts the truck.This was going to be the longest ride back I've ever had. I could tell.


	5. This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck tells the team about the house from the call

**BUCK**  
cap got in the rig and started the engine. we started to pull away from the seen. slowly, slowly, and then we were off. as we pulled away i sat with my head propped up on the door watching as the seen passes by. the house that i once knew. gone. nothing but a burnt pile of ashes and some smoke. the house that i had seen so many times in and out. almost every day. gone.  
we drove back to the station with everyone laughing and talking and having a good time like we always do. but not me. i just sat there with my head up on my arm with my eyes out the window. no one seemed to notice or even care. so why should I.  
as I looked out the window of the big ladder truck my attention was focused directly onto every house that went by. i saw little kids playing in yards and running around. I saw moms and dads with here kids and other family members talking and having a good time. everyone looked so happy. just the sight of families being together and being happy made me wanna go home and cry. just seeing them swinging on swings and running around having fun. something that me and Maddie never got. happiness all I had was the memories of my dark past. the things that I cant out live. the things that i cant out run. all imbedded into my mind for good. there a part of my life now. and i cant change that. ill never be able to change that.  
as we got closer to the staition my stomach was doing back flips. I felt so sick. I didn't want to do it. i didn't want to tell them what happened. why I was acting so different. why though flames felt so worm so different. why the flames were so hot.  
we pulled into the building. Bobby looked back at me concerned. I just pretended like I didn't see him. I saw Eddie look up at me to. he was worried I could tell. but he still wanted to know. I could see it on his face. when the truck was at a full stop we all jumped out. I was the last one out with hopes that I could slip off to the locker room and end my shit already. but instead I found my way up the stairs to the loft for the family dinner. as soon as I sat down everyone walked over to the table.  
"ok spill now" Eddie said not looking up from his phone as he text Christopher his son that I loved almost as much as I loved Eddie. Bobby looked over at me and nodded his head. I knew I could tell them and know I had to tell them.  
"That house....the one that we were at to day..." I said as I looked passed everyone trying not to make eye contact.  
"yeah what about it" Chimney said a little annoyed that I wouldn't just say it.  
"me and Maddie ran away when we were little I was 10 and she was 14. our mom and dad where abusive to us and we did the only thing we knew how to do. runaway. and then my dad set the house on fire after he found us. Maddie was still inside so I ran in to get her. that's the reason I became a firefighter. she almost died. all because I asked her to run away with me" I said my voice breaking at that last part. I wasn't gonna tell them everything but that was a start. no one will ever know what really happened there only ever gonna know the surface of it all.  
"im so sorry Buck" Hen said as she gave me a hug.  
"wait so is that why Maddie wont ever talk about your parents" Chimney asked shocked.  
"yeah it is" I said.  
I looked down and I saw a hand on top of mine. Eddie. he's the only one who didn't say anything. I looked up into his eyes and I saw the tears start to form. he moved his hands away quickly. just then Bobby brought over our dinner. we all ate in silence until it was the end of our shifts.  
**EDDIE**  
I was watching Buck in the truck the whole way to the staition. he was sad. distant even. he always talked on the way home he was always talking about how cool the way we had to save someone was. but today he was quite. something was wrong something was bothering him.  
as we pulled into the station I looked at him his eyes keep growing sadder and sadder as we go. he looked hesitant for a minute but then he got out and went up the stairs to the grand loft so we could talk and hopefully get Buck to tell us what's wrong wile Cap made us dinner.  
"ok spill now" I say. I sit down next to him and pull out my phone. I was texting my son Christopher telling him that he's staying at Carla's tonight. Buck was coming over if he liked it or not. he looked over at me and smiled a week smile. god even when hes miserable hes still hot.  
~~~TIME SKIP~UvU~ AFTER BUCK TELLS HIS STORY~BC IM LAZY~~~  
after Buck tells us his story my heart drops. such a smart bright peppy kid. with a past as dark as the. he was looking down at the floor. I take my hands and place them on top of his. just the thought of what happened to him made me angary. angary at the people who did this to him. angary at the people who almost killed Maddie who is one of my best friends and one of Christopher's favorite people in the world. and Buck. Bucks my best friend and if he wasn't here I would still be drinking and street fighting.  
i had tears starting to form in my eyes. I couldn't stand to think about it. everyone was asking questions and apologizing but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I pulled my hand away as Bobby brought the food to the table. we said grace and prayed for Buck and we prayed for the people that we had saved today. we all ate in silence and then packed up to go home.  
I had to tell buck how felt but that was gonna have to wait until later. me and buck just so happened to have clean up duty for after our shift. when everyone left it was my chance to tell him what I needed to. it was my turn to do something that I never thought that I would ever do.


	6. the dishes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie have a moment and finally see eye to eye.

***Eddie****  
we have to do the dishes and clean the station. not how i thought that i'd be telling my best friend that i love him. but i'd just have to make it work. I was sitting at the table just piking at my food. thinking about why he never told me this. it really hurt me to see him like this.  
"Ok Diaz, Buckley you're on kitchen clean up. everyone else have a good night and we'll see you tomorrow." Bobby said as everyone stood up to get there stuff.  
buck looked at me and I just smiled and stared at him. he smiled back as he stood up and took his plate to the sink.  
"Listen buck im really sorry about your past and everything that happened to you" I told him as I placed my hand on his shoulder.  
"Its fine. you can't fix the past. and besides I have the 118 now. there like the family that I chose when I quite SEAL training."  
that broke my heart to hear. he said that he was fine. but in his eyes he wasn't fine even people who don't know buck could tell that he was not fine but he still blames himself for everything that has ever happen to himself. I felt the tear start to roll down my cheek so I went to the table and we did the dishes in silence. just listening to the song on the radio.  
that's just great. the song that was on was 'I COULD US A LOVE SONG'. that's just perfect. because right now I could us a love song. but if I get lucky than pretty soon ill have a love song of my own.  
~time skip to after there getting ready to go home bc im like that XD~  
buck walked out of the locker room so I ran to the door of it and called for him  
"Hey Buck could you come here for a minute I need to ask you some thing" I said as I felt the blush rise through out my face.   
"Yeah sure." he said as he smiled at me  
this was it. this is the moment that I was going to confess everything. I was really gonna do this.  
***Buck***  
I was just getting ready to leave when eddie said that he had to talk to me and he said that he had to ask me something. when I got to the locker room he was blushing like crazy. then boom he pulled me in and our lips meant in a long kiss. and damn did it feel good.   
***Eddie***  
when he got to the locker room I pulled him into a kiss. I had no clue what I was doing but I liked it. a lot. when we finally pulled away from each other for air he spoke up.  
"what was that Eddie?" he asked. oh god. he didn't feel the same. I just messed up big time.  
"I...uh...I.... I love you buck I have for a wile now and I wanted to tell you but I didn't think that you felt the same way." I told him as I could felt the disappointment in me start to rise. so I looked down at the floor. the floor was extra nice right now.  
he garbed my hand with one hand and he garbed my chin with the other. he lifted my head lightly with the hand that was gently resting on it. he placed a soft kiss on my lips as he started to speak again.  
"I love you to eddie. I just didn't want to tell you. I was going to today but after the day I've had and remembering my past I didn't want to have to get upset again if you didn't feel the same." he said as he smiled at me. "and my mom and dad never approved of me being bi."  
"i'm really sorry about your family. but you could have a new better one with me and Chris. you could be part of our family buck. you could start over. we could be " I told him  
"are you asking me to be your boyfriend Eddie" he asked smiling.  
"that's exactly what im saying buck. I love you. Christopher loves you. please be my boyfriend. make me the luckiest man alive and please be my boyfriend." I told him hopeful that he would say yes.  
"I would love nothing better" he said as he smiled at me.  
"you can come over and stay the night if you want to. Chris is staying at Carla's tonight." I told him.  
"yeah sure I'd love to." he told me with a big smile on his face.  
they drove to eddies house in complete silence listing to the radio. and there it was. that song again. I COULD US A LOVE SONG. I don't know if the world was trying to mock me but right now, I have the perfect love song. and I don't know if ill ever find one this good ever again.  
they booth big smile plastered on there faces. they were holding each others hands. thinking about the choice that they had just made. eddie finally got what he wanted. and buck well buck finally had someone he could call his own. even if he wasn't officially in the family it still felt nice.   
buck moved in close to his new boyfriends side. eddie moved one hand from around the wheel and put it around bucks shoulder only to be pulling him closer. until they got home.  
"lets just leave our bags here for now we have more important things to tend to" eddie told buck.  
"sure" buck said as he jumped out of eddies brand new pick up truck. he fallowed eddie into the house after taking his shoes off.  
y'all know what happens next xD


	7. Life changing in more ways than one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something bad happens and buck only has one reaction

**Eddie**  
we walked into the station the next day holding each others hands. earning a series of whoops and whistles from everyone. we walked into the changing rooms and put our stuff on our lockers. I looked over at buck as he put away his duffle bag hissing in pain. I was changed before he was so I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist resting my face on his back.  
"im guessing my job last night must have been worth it." I said as I laughed. he twisted so he was facing my he put his arms around my shoulders. he kissed my lip gently   
"you know it." he said   
we untangled and he closed his locker. we then walked up the stairs hand in hand to the couch. I sat down and he sat down beside me as close as he could get swinging his legs over my lap. he wrapped his arms around my chest and put his head on my shoulder.  
"I knew it! pay up mofoes!" Hen yelled almost squealing.  
"took em' long enough" bobby said as he handed her a 50.  
"you had a bet on us." buck said mad.  
"hey calm down baby it could be worse" I said before I lifed his chin to kiss him.  
"blah! chimney yelled gagging playfully.  
"come on chim don't act like you and Maddie don't act a little to friendly sometimes." buck said as the bell went off.  
~~~at the call~~~  
we get to the call and buck can barley breath. he knows who's car that is. his hole world stats spinning as he gets out of the rig. he runs over to the car to see if she's still inside. shes not. that's when he hears a faint yell.  
he runs to the noise and there she is. Emily. she was on her way to her new station when she must have been hit. I run over to the frantic buck who is trying to talk to his best friend. I have to pull him back just to let hen and chimney do there jobs.  
"Diaz go get Buckley and take him to the rig." Cap tells me.  
"Got it cap" I tall him as I go over and get buck.  
I help him into the rig and I climb up next to him.  
"hey baby look at me" I tell the now crying buck "she's gonna be ok shes a fighter."  
"we've been friends my hole life eddie. I lived with her wile my dad was abusing me! I can't lose her shes all I have!" buck said as he stared at eddie wile wiping away his tears.  
eddie was clearly hurt by what he said. but he didn't show it. he knew that his boyfriend was losing someone important to him. buck and eddie turn to look out the window. hen looked at bobby and shook her head buck knew exactly what that meant.  
"oh baby" eddie said as he wrapped his boyfriend into a hug buck sobbed into his boyfriends chest until the rest of the team got into the truck. the hole ride back buck was quite. he held eddies hand and rested his head on his shoulder.  
at the station buck when strait to the locker room for a shower. eddie had to go get food ready for the boy. he had not eaten anything all day that's a fact that eddie knew.   
***Buck***  
buck took the raiser from his bag and took it apart. eddie would be pissed if he knew what buck was doing.  
he took the thick blade and drug it crossed his arm. he counted. he kept track. he wrote it down in a note book. but for now he was so numb it didn't even mater.  
"just one fore every time I've messed something up." he whispered to himself. he turned off the water got changed and went back up into the loft with everyone else. when he walked out of the locker room he walk over to the chairs opposite of everyone. there where no calls the rest of the shift. so he just sat there as he felt the tears fall down his face'  
~~~three days later~~~  
buck whent and sat in the chair in his house from the same night of the call that changed his life. everyone kept a distance from the boy but eddie knew he needed to go over and comfort him. everyone else kept their distance even at work even little chris. he walks over and holds the plate of food out he had made for buck  
"im not hungry" he says dryly.  
eddie sets the plate down on the coffee table and turns to squat in front of his boyfriend. he places a hand on bucks knee and grabs his hand with the other.  
"Buck baby listen you NEED to eat something." eddie pleaded.  
"No I don't."  
"Buck sweetheart you need to eat before you starve. please do it for me."  
"good maybe I just need to starve no one cares anymore because I know that I don't." buck talked with almost no emotion it was bitter. eddie could feel the tears start to form in his eyes. why would his boyfriend say such a thing. eddie grabbed bucks face. he cupped his cheeks ever so softly.  
"buck don't say stuff like that. I care and you know that. I love you way to much to see something happen to you. and so dose Christopher. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you. I love you so much. believe it or not this will all be over soon. every storm runs out of rain and every heart ack fades away. but if something happens to you that wont ever fade away. the pain from that will never run out. please eat something for me."   
eddie was crying at this point and buck knew it.   
"im sorry" buck said as he pulled his knees into his chest and he stated crying. eddie stood up and picked buck up and sat him on his lap. buck wrapped his arms around eddies neck eddie kissed his head as the boy snuggled his head into eddies chest.  
"please eat for me sweetheart." eddie was almost begging him now.  
"ok" buck managed to choke out.  
eddie was stroking his boyfriend's hair as he ate. eddie was upset witch meant that he was speaking to buck in Spanish again.  
"por favor, no digas nunca que te vas a matar de nuevo te amo mucho por eso. por favor bebé te amo a mucho"  
they eventually fell asleep together on the couch cuddle close to one another eddie holding buck close enough that nothing was going to happen to him.


	8. coldest waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> buck has to calm down and fast before eddie gets home from work

the next day eddie had to go to work. buck figured this out when he rolled over to cuddle closer to eddie and all he felt were the cool sheets beneath his touch. buck opened his eyes and rolled over onto his back to look at the ceiling. he took a deep breath in before he got up to get a shower.  
it was almost 1 o'clock in the afternoon and buck was just now getting out of his bed. he was so numb ever since he lost his bestfriend a week ago. buck went over to his dresser and grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie. he took out his little pill bottle and his marker and small notebook as well.  
buck walked into the bathroom and closed the door. he turned on the water to the shower and let It run as he stripped out of his close. he hissed as he felt the cloth drag over his day old cuts. he had made it a routine now. he cut a little in the morning and a lot more at night. he took one big look in the mirror before he opened up the note book.  
the note book was small and black with flames drawn on the outside covers. buck made sure to write his numbers of cuts in the middle of his note book so that way if eddie found it then he wouldn't think that there was anything wrong. buck would write down how many cuts he had made and then on the back of that page he wrote how many he had all total.  
the number made him feel even more numb that he had felt before he read it. 1,385 cuts in one week. that made buck feel sick. the fact that he was ruining his life and every one's life around him made himself sick. when buck looked up from were he was looking in his note book to see himself in the mirror he went cold.  
he was thin and pale. probably from were he hadn't eaten much of anything in the last week. he had so many cuts and dried blood on his wrists that you couldn't even tell that he had an inner wrist to begin with. Buck was so ugly and he knew he was he just couldn't help but keep the one little speck of hope that he had left. Eddie and Christopher. his family.  
buck got in the shower. the water was cold. to cold for bucks liking. buck felt his stomach turn ad he turned off the water and ran a crossed the room to the toilet were he had lost what he had eaten the night before. that was something else buck had gotten himself into. another way to hurt himself. he would take showers so cold that he would get sick or showers so hot that they would burn him. he just couldn't stop.  
he took the pill bottle and tool out one of the razers that he had hid. he mad another 428 slashes between his two arms. he through on his hoodie and sweats and went to the couch to lay down until eddie got back from work. buck just couldn't help nor could he stop himself from thinking when will his life go back to normal? when will everyone see that he's needs help? and when will the coldest water face into warm sunlight?


	9. Let it Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> buck gets a call he will never forget

*Eddie*  
I got home from work to see Buck stretched out on the couch in the Livingroom. he was in one of my Hoodies and a pair of sweats. it was like 400 degrease in LA today so it was weird to see him in a hoodie. it was probably just an exaggeration though. I mean it was 97 out side and i did just get back from a fully involved structure fire. and i was in full gear so that's probably why i'm so hot.  
I took off my boots quietly so I wasn't disturbing Buck. it was cool in the small apartment. I walked over to the AC to see what the temperature was. it said the it was 65 which was pretty cool. I turned it up to 72 and walked over to the back of the couch where buck was.  
I stood there for a minute taking in his appearance. the hood to the black LAFD Fire Fighter hoodie he was wearing was pressed against his cheek lightly. he was gripping the edges of the sleeves lightly. it was a little big on the man but yet it also seemed to fit him just right. he was curled up into a little ball.   
I walked around to the front of the couch and crouched down in front of his face. I brushed away a small strand of his blond hair that was covering his eyes. god I wish his eyes were open right now. they are so beautiful. I kissed his cheek and stood up slowly so I would not wake him. I grabbed a the blanket that was on the back of a chair that was near by and covered him up.   
I then walked away to the bathroom to get a shower. it was almost 8 o'clock by the time I got done. I walked into the Livingroom the see that Buck was still asleep on the couch. I walked over to him and moved the blanket from on top of him. it made him stifle out a small groan as he shifted around on the gray cushions. I picked him up and carried him to the bed room an laid him down on our bed. I covered him up and went to get in beside him. we need as much sleep as we could get because we both had to work 24 hour shifts tomorrow.  
~A GOOD WILE INTO THERE SHIFT THE NEXT DAY~  
*Buck*  
the calls that we gat can be ruff but I will never forget the one from not even an hour ago.  
We had gotten a call to a roller costar that was stuck upside down on a loop. what they didn't tell us was that a guy had fell out and hit the ground. i knew what had happened. i didn't have to have Bobby tell me that he was dead. i could tell just by looking at the guy. the way he was laying on the ground. he was dead. but Bobby still made Hen and Chimney put him on a back board. that's when bobby broke me from my thoughts.  
"Buck i wasn't you to get on the ladder" he told me. i looked up at the ride were there was another guy hanging from the lap bar.  
"its not gonna reach that high cap" Bobby looked over at me and nodded.  
"i know that. your gonna have to climb the latter and when it cant go any farther your gonna have to climb it 'till you get to him. now go get geared up!" he told me as i sprinted over to the truck to shed my Bunker gear. Eddie is at the truck with the harness.  
"So who did cap send up there" he askes as i take of my coat.  
"Me." i said dully as i finished taking off my gear  
"no" eddie said as i grabbed my hallmate from the truck  
"i have to Eddie" i tolled him as i pulled on the harness. when he was done helping me fix the straps he grabbed my hand.  
"Just be carful. please?" he askes me as i grab his other hand.  
"i will i promise." we gave each other a quick kiss.  
"i love you" he told me as i started to walk away.  
"i love you to" i turned around to wave at him as made my way over to the truck.  
"Buck be carful and try not to fall. when you get up there tie the rope to the top track by the first car and make sure the second one is tied tight to." Bobby was going over the basics as i grabbed the rope and the extra harness. i was only half listening to what he was saying.  
"i got it Cap. thanks." i told him as i started to climb to the top of the roller costar.  
when i got up to the top i felt my foot start to slip on the edge. my knee gave out from under me but thank god no one saw it. i did as cap said and tied the rope and the harness.  
"hi there sir my name is Buck can u put the on for me?" i asked him nicely  
"im scared i cant ill fall" he said shaking   
"here just take my hand" i told him extending my hand for him to reach.  
"sometimes you have to just let it go" he said as he let go of the bar. I gasped and my breath hinged in my through when I heard his body hit the pavement. that was it for me. my first ever life lost on my first ever high stakes rescue.


	10. if this is goodbye....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie get some scary news from Maddie that could just change everything.

buck woke up a voice mail on his cell phone and Eddie sleeping next to him. he sat up unplugged his phone and listened to see what it was about. buck picked up his phone and heard a sad sounding Maddie Buckley. 

'BUCK ITS MADDIE, YOUR OLDER SISTER. PLEASE CALL ME OR TEXT ME BACK WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE. I NEED TO COME OVER AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOEMTHING. JUST PLEASE MAKE IT QUICK. THIS IS IMPORTANT. OK WELL I GUESS I GOT TO GO. I HAVE A SHIFT IN FIVE. LOVE YOU BUCK.'

The voice mail ended buck was worried. what did Maddie have to tell him? he laid back down when he heard Eddie start to stir it the bed next to him.

"good morning beautiful." he heard Eddie mumble into the pillow from beside him. buck sighed and turned over to rest his head on his hands.

"morning" he said leaning in for his good morning kiss from his boyfriend.

"you ok? you seem worried" Eddie said grabbing bucks hand and squeezing it.

"yeah. Maddie just called and said that she needed to come over and tell me something. last time she said something like that she came over to tell me that my mom died." bu said rolling over to stair at the ceiling fan as it spun lightly in circles.

"yeah well this time it could be good news. or maybe its not even news maybe she just has to ask you something. he said laying his head on bucks chest.

"yeah maybe" buck said bringing his hand up to play with eddies hair. he kissed the top of his head lightly.

~~~3pm that day~~~

Bucks and Eddie had they day off so they decided to watch movies with Christopher all day. they were in the mile of 'The Lion King- 2 Simba's Pride' when buck heard his phone buzz against the glass on the coffee table. he picked up the phone to see who the caller ID belonged to.

"sorry guys i got to take this." he said looking to Eddie and Christ.

"ok" Eddie said giving the other man a quick peck on the lips before buck stood up to go answer his phone.

(buck is in bold and Maddie is slanted) 

hello?

hey buck.

what's up Maddie? are you crying? what's wrong?

its nothing buck. im fine.

you don't sound fine.

i am.

ok if you say so.

is Eddie and Christ there?

yeah why?

i need to know if i can come over and talk to yall about something.

of course your always welcome here Maddie

ok what time can i come over.

is 5:00 ish ok? that will give eddie time to make dinner.

yeah that's perfect. ill have chimney drop me off.

why is he not coming?

no he has a shift at a quarter till 6 tonight.

oh ok well tell him i said hi

will do

ok see you later

ok bye buck love you!

love you to mads

~~end call~~

"what was that all about?" Eddie asked when he got back to the couch.

"Maddie is coming over for dinner tonight she said she has to talk to us about something." i said settling back down into eddies side.

"dose that mean we cant have pizza for dinner tonight?" Christ ask looking up from the movie.

"of coarse we can still have pizza tonight buddie! ill just have to text Maddie and let her know." Buck said smiling down at the little boy.

BUCK😜👨🏼🚒🚒✌- Christ wants us to order pizza tonight. is that cool with you?

MADDIE🎀❤😆-Yeah that's cool just get cheese this time🤣

BUCK😜👨🏼🚒🚒✌- Your never gonna let that go are you?

MADDIE🎀❤😆- nope!🤣 see you later!

~~later that night~~

"ok so what's up Maddie" Eddie spoke up half way through there pizza.

"well...i don't know how you guys will react....." 

"Maddie you know you can tell us anything" buck said grabbing eddies hand.

"i have cancer buck" she said looking down at her hands

"what?!?!" buck said dropping his peace of pizza. 

i have cancer buck" she said again. all three of them were crying.

"were here for you Mads" Eddie said reaching over and grabbing her hand with his free one.

"thanks Eddie" just then Maddie's phone buzzed. she reached down to see who the message was from.

"I'm sorry i have to go. i just got called into work early." she said grabbing her purse and hugging everyone before leaving.

"ok i love you" buck said hugging her. "and Maddie, its going to be ok" he said smiling at her. she smiled back.

"thanks buck" she said and left the house without another word.

buck walked back to the bathroom and grabbed his blades. here we go again. just when things started to look up they go down hill again. he just wants his life to go back to normal again. he NEEDS it to go back to the way it was before. before Abby broke up with him. only if that happened he wouldn't be here with Eddie. but if that did happen he wouldn't be there in the bathroom with the door locked cutting up his arms and his thighs with an old razor blade.

he really hope that this wasn't goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

sorry the chapters so short! and sorry it took so long!! love you guys and i really hope you like!!

-arianna


	11. I Knew There Was Going To Be A Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things just keep getting worse for buck but this was the worst yet.

after Maddie left, buck decided that he would try to distract himself with cleaning the kitchen. Eddie walked into the kitchen after seeing Maddie out of there house. buck was at the sink. Eddie came over and wrapped his arms around bucks waist. when buck didn't react Eddie let go of him and walked to the doorway of the room.

"I'm going to go put Chris to bed, its an hour passed his bed time." was all Eddie said and then he was gone. buck dropped the plate he was washing in the soap filled sink and walked over to the table.

Buck sat down at the table in shock and in complete silence. he dropped his heads to his hands and sighed. Eddie walked back into the kitchen and pulled a seat up next to his boyfriend. he places his hands on bucks shoulders and pulled his closer to his body. bucks hands dropped from his face and he turned so he could cry into Eddie's chest.

"she's going to be ok buck" he said stroking his hair.

"you don't know that!" buck shot up from his seat and walked back a few steps. eddies face looked shocked at the other mans sudden outburst. "I'm s-sorry i didn't mean to." he said as he backed himself into the counter top.

"buck wait" Eddie said reaching his hands out for buck to grab. instead of grabbing them buck pulled his hands as close to him as he could and he speed walked out of the room and practically ran the rest of the way to the bathroom.

he walked in and closed the door softly. he turned the lock and then but his back to the inside of the door. he slid down slowly as he felt the tears start to pour down his face. he couldn't breath. he needed everything to stop in its tracks. he mad Eddie hate him and now his sister is dyeing slowly. 

he crawled over to the sink and pulled out the bottle. he didn't even bother to get his note book. he just needed to take the edge off. both of his arms were covered in bright red. you couldn't even tell he had arms. when that wasn't enough he grabbed the little baggie from his side of the medicine cabinet. he looked at it and thought for a minute. he thought about Christopher and Eddie and bobby and Maddie and his dad and the puppy that he was going to get.

he opened the bag and took 6 pills before closing it back up and putting it back where it goes. he pulled on his hoodie and sat there on the floor for almost 45 minutes just looking at himself in the mirror. that's when he heard the nock on the door.

"hey baby? you ok in there?" he heard eddies firm voice that he uses when he's worried and mad. he was mad because of him.

"yeah I'm fine." he said as he stood up and opened the door. "just fine" he said walking back into there bed room. he grabbed a pillow and a blanket from the closets and left to the living room. Eddie took the hint and left him alone for a few hours to calm down.

Eddie grabbed a pillow and walked out to the living room. he walked over to the couch and stood in front of buck. 

"can i join you?" he asked kindly and softly. buck looked up at him and scooted over for Eddie to lay down. they laid there wrapped up in each others arms until they both fell asleep.

Eddie woke up the next day with a smile on his face. that was until he saw his boyfriend sitting up on there couch crying.

"what's wrong?" Eddie asked sitting up and pulling buck onto his lap. bucks sobs just got worse.

"Maddie just called..... my dad just died." he said looking at eddies shocked face.


End file.
